Moving Forward
by Emzi001
Summary: It's been 2 years since Tony left Ziva in Israel. 2 years since they last spoke. Can they move on? Or do they have to take one step back to make another 2 forward? Disclaimer: NCIS Not mine, unfortunately :(
1. Time

**DISCLAIMER: I own none of NCIS**

_**A/N: So this is my first fanfic ever so please review and let me know what you think, should i continue with it?**_

Time is the only constant of the universe. Life begins and invariably ends but as we as a society advance life lasts longer and is in a word or three: No longer constant. Tony was only just beginning to appreciate the irony in this. Time flies by when you're having fun but in reality it is just continuing at its constant speed; it is our perceptions of time and irrelevant manipulations and attempts at controlling time which make the specific length of time seem to be altered. For Tony time had slowed to almost a standstill, a film at only 25% its actual speed. For 2 years Tony had been forced to measure time by those around him rather than himself for fear of remembering what he was missing: Ziva.

Ziva like Tony had trouble adapting to time apart and, like for Tony, time seemed to reflect that of a poor book: a slow start, an imperceptible climax that one has to search and search for to find and an undefined ending. The ending which has yet to be written.

Ziva was puzzled; her day had started in the usual way: she woke up and went for a run. That much had never changed, even while trying to better herself and become who she once wanted to be – before Mossad moulded her into a perfect soldier - for Ziva was a creature of habit. But that was the end of the similarities. Once returning from her run she discovered a package on her doorstep with no postal markings or address and weighing very little.

Almost as soon as she noted these discrepancies, Ziva shifted from a state of calm to alert as she carefully opened the package. Immediately three objects caught her eye: A note; a plane ticket to London and her Star of David necklace.

Despite 2 long years of absence, Ziva began worrying about Tony's welfare and how he might be in trouble. Thankfully her newly discovered rationality, from her time discovering herself, kicked in and Ziva decided to read the note before jumping to conclusions. At first glance Ziva had trouble reading the words for they blurred together as she recognized the uniquely cursive script. So almost as suddenly as she decided to read it she put it down, momentarily glancing at it before continuing with her day.

It wasn't until a few hours later that Ziva remembered the package and it's contents as it caught the corner of her eye while cleaning. She knew she couldn't put it off any longer: She had to read it. If she didn't she knew she'd regret it.

**Zi, **

**It has been some time since we last spoke, I guess that's my fault as well as yours. Every day I think of you and every day I wish it could be different, but I respected your wishes and allowed you to try to move on and become who you wanted to be. I hope you have succeeded. The plane ticket is an ultimatum: I need to see you, I hope you come but I guess if you don't I'll be forced to move on however hard it may be.**

**I once said " I can't live without you" I still can't.**

**-Tony**

Ziva wanted to go, that much she knew, but something held her back and, like the thoughts that plagued her and Tony for years preventing their own happy ending, Ziva's thoughts were full of fear. What if he was lying? Would he like what she had become? But the one that troubled her was: What does he mean he couldn't and can't live without her?

Glancing at the tickets Ziva noticed the departure time and almost like a sudden craving for Tony had struck she walked out the door and drove towards the airport.

Tony was lost. Well that was an understatement. Tony was stuck. He couldn't move forward. He was stuck in the past. In one last attempt to move forward he may have given up his chance for hope. But then what did he have to lose?


	2. Thoughts

_**A/N So I thought I'd carry on for a bit longer. I don't know how long it will be yet but I have a minimum of about 5 more chapters planned out. Please review, good or bad I'd like your opinions.**_

Sometimes when you're alone or in the company of those you take for granted you find yourself drifting into the land of your dreams. You think about what you want, what you need or how to cope. Trouble is more often than not these thoughts are ones which cause you to question yourself and ultimately lose faith in who you are. These are the thoughts which force you to change: For better and for worse.

Tony had had two long years to question his decision to get on the plane, or at least get on the plane without her, and now once again he was questioning himself. Sitting on a plane with complete strangers and no-one to talk to for 8 hours, longer if you include take-off, landing and all the security (which was shorter for him: one of the perks of being a federal agent.), can be lonely and the prison of your mind is difficult to escape from.

He couldn't help but wonder if she would accept him. He had changed a lot since he got on the plane. Matured. Become the man he thought she deserved. She didn't deserve who he was before: the unfaithful, immature playboy who always got what he wanted - and yet she had liked him. Would she like who he had become?

Ziva, as usual was having almost synonymous thoughts during her flight. She like Tony had changed. She was no longer the hard-core assassin he had fallen for and that worried her. Had he liked her because of who she was or who she was capable of being? If it was the former then she was in trouble. She had no intention of becoming that again. Even for him.

Tony's flight landed first and as he collected his suitcase from baggage claim he debated what to do. He couldn't bear to wait for her only to find she would not show. He wouldn't be able to deal with the pain. The disappointment. Himself. He had been the one to initiate the trip and had gone without consulting her, blindly following his hope and belief that for some reason she would come. Would be unable to resist using the ticket he paid for. He just couldn't wait. He couldn't wait for disappointment. Yet something held him back. What if she had, for some unknown reason decided he was worth it and had come. He couldn't let some stranger pick her up. He definitely couldn't make her take a taxi somewhere, when she wouldn't know where he was. Where to find him.

As Ziva walked through baggage claim and into the crowds of family waiting to meet their loved ones she couldn't help but wonder. She didn't know how to greet him. Had he moved on? _I once said: "I can't live without you" I still can't. _Had he lied to get her to come? The old Tony would have. But the Tony who left her at the airport was a different Tony to the one she had met. He had grown in the time she knew him. She only hoped he hadn't returned to his former self or worse someone unrecognisable in her absence. Where was he? Had he not come? Left her to find her own way home - wherever that was?

After what seemed like an eternity later Ziva decided to give up her search. He wasn't here. He'd given up. As she turned something caught her eye. She stopped in her tracks and turned to face the one thing only he would do for her. Standing next to a rental car was a man in a suit, who held a placard saying her name. Slowly she walked over to him and said "I'm Ziva David."

_**PS: There will be another chapter in the next few days, by Monday. If there's anything you want to see just include it in a review and I will try :)**_


	3. Almost there

_**A/N: Thank you so much for your reviews I will try to reply to them if I can. Would you like longer chapters or should I keep the chapters about the same length? Please review, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.**_

* * *

**_The end of last chapter**_

_After what seemed like an eternity later Ziva decided to give up her search. He wasn't here. He'd given up. As she turned something caught her eye. She stopped in her tracks and turned to face the one thing only he would do for her. Standing next to a rental car was a man in a suit, who held a placard saying her name. Slowly she walked over to him and said "I'm Ziva David."_

_**And now the next chapter**_

* * *

"It's you, good; he told me there was a chance you wouldn't show. He also asked that you show me your ID he doesn't want some stranger taking the car, leaving you here stranded."

While Ziva was pulling out her ID she began to realise how much she had hurt him by making him leave. _He told me there was a chance you wouldn't show. _How could he think she wouldn't show? Had he lost faith in her as well as himself? Ziva just hoped that he would forgive her. Thankfully, something in her gut told her, he already had. The thoughts that followed were a bit more frantic. She had just realised she had no idea where to take the rental car to, to find him and break the sacred rule 6. She was no longer concerned about weakness; while in Israel she had accepted and embraced hers.

"Okay so here are the keys. Oh, and he also told me to give this to you." The man gave her a box and some keys and walked off, leaving her alone, once again to her thoughts. Slowly, Ziva sat down in the car and decided to open the box; it might hold the key of where to go. Opening the box, Ziva, like in Israel saw three things: Another note, a key and a pristine Sat-Nav with an address for a home already programmed in.

Ziva trusted Tony, and despite what she had said at the airport she had stopped it for him, and now she realised he had changed to. He was no longer the playboy full of pranks. He was still Tony always would be, but when it came to her: he was insecure and had lost his faith, despite all that had happened between them.

Unlike in Israel, Ziva opened the note immediately, not surprised by the hurried scrawl scattering the page. Carefully, despite her anxiety Ziva opened and read the note, trying not to be affected by Tony's obvious desperation.

**Zi,**

**I didn't know if you'd come. I'm sorry for that lack of faith, I really am, but I don't think I could have faced it if I had waited for you to find you didn't show; at least this way I thought that if you didn't come I'd have more time and wouldn't be one of those losers left waiting at the airport only to find the person they were waiting for hadn't come, or worse had come with a 'friend'. **

**Inside this box you will find a Sat-Nav pre-programmed with an address: I am there. Let yourself in, I promise I won't pull a stunt like this again. I went to this address to escape and if you hadn't shown up: try to finally get over you although I already know I can't.**

**I can't wait to see you. It will bring me feelings that I cannot even attempt to describe.**

**-Tony**

It looked to Ziva like most of the questions her anxiety had caused had been answered within the note and she started to drive; towards the one thing that would her world make complete sense again. They had been apart far too long.

* * *

Tony was scared. Well, that was an understatement. Her plane should have landed 2 hours ago; she should have arrived by now. Thoughts of dread began to plague Tony's mind. What would he say? What would she say? He couldn't have her say she had moved on and that he should to. Then again, what if she hadn't come? He couldn't face that; he wouldn't know what to do with himself. Their whole time apart, in fact every time they were apart, he learnt he couldn't live without her. He could survive, but he couldn't live. Just as Tony was about to give up on her and begin his attempt to move on; he heard a car pull up outside…

Ziva sat in the car for what felt like an eternity. Should she tell him? Could she tell him? How would he react? What would he say? What she would say?

She went to open the car door.

He went to open the door for her.

She couldn't wait.

He couldn't wait to see her.

And like it was fate the doors opened together. Looking up they each felt like they were whole again.

* * *

**PS: I will try to update every day or every other day but forgive me if I don't. I'm new to this and i'm trying to follow a vague plan but it's harder than it seems. I bet you had thought Ziva had seen Tony at the airport didn't you. I'll say it again and i know i'm repeating myself but any suggestions good or bad please review :)**


	4. Finally

It was what felt like an eternity before either moved or spoke; each too lost in the other's eyes, taking in the other like a drug that has been removed from the system, the withdrawal symptoms finally leaving with nothing but confusion yet relief in its wake. Like a craving finally being satisfied and the person who felt the craving feeling relieved but guilty, unsure how to proceed.

Ziva was the first to tear her eye's away from Tony's, just in time to prevent a waterfall or tears of joy and regret. She ran to Tony and jumped into him, tears streaming as she ran. Tony though surprised by this outburst of emotion held his ground, holding her like she was an anchor keeping him in reality, keeping him alive. Their hearts were beating in sync, tears falling like a winter shower: inexplicable but unable to stop and neither able to move for fear of it all being a dream.

Time apart had changed them. They knew that and each wanted to get to know the changed partner, knowing that once they knew the other neither would be able to let go.

Tony was different. More Handsome. Mature. Troubled. Ziva thought. He felt different s well. More muscular. Strong. Toned. The changes suggested that he had been working out as an escape from his problems; a lot like she had done before her time in Israel. She was hurt in the knowledge she had likely caused the problems, but she couldn't have done anything differently. She knew that. She knew he knew that too. She had had to escape. Escape violence. Learn to how to embrace the natural side of life and death, as opposed to the cruel, brutal and occasionally sadistic aspects of life. And the forceful end she had been taught to impose. Her time at NCIS had taught her many things, advanced this knowledge to a stage beyond her initial comprehension. She had been taught how to kill, not to feel emotions; yet NCIS, the team and Tony in particular had taught her emotions weren't a weakness and killing was not always necessary, just sometimes inevitable. Despite all the learning she had undergone, she knew the final bit of learning had to be done in isolation. Away from the casual violence she had been taught, even if she was the one preventing it. The incident with Parsa and Ilan had only served to plant the seeds of change and give her the opportunity to do so; and she had taken it. She hoped Tony could notice the differences in her.

He had noticed. She appeared more carefree. Less held back by the restrictions she believed life had imposed. More true to herself than she had ever been. It felt like she had not lost weight nor gained it, but she was softer. Her muscles less defined. Tony thought she looked more feminine, and indeed beautiful, if that was even possible. But he could see the new trust in her eyes that had never been completely present. He knew it was him leaving her in Israel that had done that. In leaving her he had done what she wanted against his own desires and Ziva trusted him more because of it. He knew he had changed as a result. For weeks after leaving her he had been unable to sleep. He had been unable to close his eyes without dreaming about her. He had been unable to look at her desk without missing her; and questioning his decision to leave her. Every time thoughts of her had plagued his mind, every time he had been unable to sleep, he had gone to the gym and if that was closed gone for a run. Eventually the dreams had lessened to a bearable state but in an attempt to give into the selfish desires of his heart he had not stopped running. She had always gone for a morning run before work and he got into the habit of indulging himself in a little Ziva time by doing so himself. This ironically had strengthened his lungs to a pre-plague quality – if not better- and his work had gotten better as had his sleep routine. He hoped Ziva could notice the difference in him.

Neither failed to notice the irony of how they had changed. Tony had become more like Ziva, Ziva more like Tony but somehow both remaining true to themselves, rising to meet and, where possible, defy their own expectations of themselves instead of the expectations of others which they had both lived their lives anticipating and trying to meet.

* * *

After a mere 2 minutes they both became wary of the others proximity and pulled back, each apologising profusely as Tony went to get Ziva's bags from the car. Once inside Tony asked the question which proved to Ziva how little he had changed in reality: "Do you want to watch a movie?"

Agreeing on 'Safe Haven' as Tony had instantly agreed as after he had said that he had always wanted to watch a film like it – he thought the synopsis was similar to how they met: Ziva was escaping her father (instead of a husband) and he was recovering from a loss (not a wife, but a close friend) – Ziva had said that "the book was phenomenal and made her cry at points", Tony put in the disk and they sat down at either end of the couch.

As the movie progressed, albeit slowly as Tony "just had to get some popcorn" and Ziva needed a shower after "a long flight and the following long drive" (which Tony continued to apologise for), they slowly found their way closer to each other and the centre of the couch. By the time Katie was reading the letter from Alex's wife Ziva was wrapped in Tony's arms, head resting on his chest, crying in a way Tony had never seen. Ziva was finally letting down the walls and the dam that had built up behind it, that had been slowly trickling through gaps more and more as during the tie he had known her, finally poured from it, her emotions flooding his mind as well as hers. These tears continued long after the film ended and they remained in that position until Ziva realised that Tony was stifling a yawn, and had been stifling them for a while.

"It's been a long night; it is time to go to bed, yes?"

"Okay, Zi, it's just I'm scared. What if I wake up and this has been a dream?" He asked his insecurity revealing itself for the second time.

"Don't Worry Tony, I will not leave." Despite their years apart this was enough for Tony as he knew she never said things she did not mean and he scampered off down the hall, grabbed Ziva's bag and threw it into a room.

"That's your room, bathrooms down the hall to the right. I'm in the room next door. Just knock if you need anything." With that, Tony walked into the room next door and shut the door.

Ziva was confused. After their greeting and his notes she had assumed they would share a bed, or at least a room. Deciding he must have a reason for it, he probably had someone in DC waiting for him; she slowly went into the room he had indicated.

Tony's reasons for giving her her own room was similar to Ziva's assumption but not the same; Tony assumed that Ziva, a beautiful, strong, independent woman in her own right, must have someone in Israel waiting for her.

Each lay awake, despite their sleepiness, thinking about how lucky the others special person must be. Not knowing in the others mind the special person was in the room next door…

Eventually, Ziva decided she had had enough. She didn't care if he was asleep, she had to tell him. Tell him she only slept well in his arms; she hadn't slept well since Berlin, and before that Paris and demand that he explains himself. If he couldn't live without her, why did he give her a different room or worse, why did he have someone waiting for him at home?

Deciding it was time to find out, only momentarily glancing at the clock as it read 02:34; she went out of her room and stood outside his door. Before she could raise her hand to knock she heard a voice: "Ziva don't go! Stay here with me!"

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_**A/N: Reviews greatly appreciated. I hope you liked this chapter. A big thanks to Athenalarissa for being a great help in getting my ideas straight in my head and even giving me more ideas: Thank you so much. **_

_**PS I hope you all like the story so far: There's a lot more to come. And just in case: I do not own Safe Haven or NCIS or any of the characters in either- I wish I did though it would be awesome...**_


	5. Love or Friends

_It was the best night he'd ever had. They'd stayed up talking about their time apart. Talking about things that needed to be talked about. Paris. Berlin. Somalia. Jeanne. Michael. Ray. EJ. Wendy. Jenny. When she was reassigned back to Mossad. When he was Agent Afloat. When Gibbs "retired". And most recently Israel. They shared their feelings. Their Deepest desires. They kissed. A lot. But before it could go any further Ziva said something heart breaking. Something that would ruin his life forever: "I'm sorry Tony, I can't. I'm married. To Adam." Then she left. I called out. Begged for her to stay. "Ziva don't go! Stay here with me!" I got no response. She was gone. And with that I gave up. My heart, my life, my soul mate had gone. With that I picked up the knife daring it to stop me. But then Gibbs glared at me. I dropped the knife. He gave me a head slap…_

* * *

I woke with a start drenched with sweat. And as the tears trickled down my face: I began to cry…

I couldn't go in. How could I? But then what if he needed me to? It was just a nightmare after all wasn't it? He was dreaming. He'd seen me today and thought I'd leave again. He knew I'd have to leave again. The desperation in his voice hurt. Almost like he…no he couldn't. I haven't seen him for two years. I know he did then, but he couldn't any more could he? Maybe I should tell him. Tell him the truth. That way he wouldn't be scared anymore. But, what if he couldn't face it? What if the truth was more than he could handle? I couldn't hurt him. But I knew the longer I left it the more it would hurt. I couldn't go in. I couldn't wake him up. I couldn't tell him yet… So I turned to go back to my room and spend the night alone.

* * *

Lying down on my bed I stared at the ceiling. I couldn't go back to sleep. How could I? He was in the room next door. He called out for _me _in his sleep. What did it mean? _"Ziva don't go! Stay here with me!" _ I wasn't going. Quite the contrary, I had just got here I and I had no intention of leaving till he told me to go. _He probably will after you tell him. _ He trusts me more than that right. He wouldn't leave just because of that. Would he?

My internal monologue was interrupted by a sudden sniffle in his room. Tony was crying? Without a thought I got up and knocked on his door.

"Tony, are you OK?"

"Ziva?" He sounded surprised. "Is that you?" His voice sounded small in the darkness of night.

"Yes Tony, It's me" Who else would it be? The door opened and I found myself in a strong embrace.

"Zee-vah" he breathed. "Ziva. Ziva. Ziva. Ziva. I…I…I lo… I love you. Don't ever leave me." I tensed and he suddenly realised what he said. "Oh sorry. I uhh… I'll help you get your stuff together. You probably have-"

"Tony."

"-A boyfriend back –"

"Tony!"

"-home in Israel. Maybe even a-"

"TONY!" He stopped talking, surprised by Ziva's sudden outburst. "There is no-one. No-one but you have filled my thoughts since you left."

"Really?"

"Yes, Tony. You are the only one I have ever had thoughts about since I walked in on you having Phone sex"

"It wasn't my knee, you know?"

"I know. I also know you did not kill Michael on purpose. I know you did not kill him out of jealousy, although I am sure that was a bonus."

"It was, but it hurt me that it hurt you and sent you to Somalia and for that I am sorry."

"Tony, remember: Somalia was not your fault. I did not and do not blame you. I cannot. You have been and always will be the only one I trust. I doubted that after you killed Michael and I paid the price."

"Ziva…"

"No, Tony. It is not your place to apologise. I cared for Michael, but he betrayed me just like every man I have ever known… Except you. And for that I will be eternally grateful."

"Ziva. I know it is not my place to ask, but what happened to you in Somalia?"

"Things Tony that I do not want to ever relieve or give you the reality to imagine."

"Sometimes Ziva, not knowing is worse than knowing…"

"I know Tony, but please do not ask me to tell you. I may… when I am ready and if I know it will not change how you see me"

"It could never you Ziva. I love you even after all we have been through, good and bad"

"Paris"

"Jenny"

"Jeanne, EJ. Wendy…"

"Ray. Did you ever love him?"

"I do not think so. I think I loved the thought of the permanence he could give- was offering. But I never loved _Him_. Not like I love you. What about you did you ever love Jeanne, EJ?"

"EJ? No. I used her to hide my feelings for you while you were with Ray. Jeanne, I thought so but really… I think I just broke rule 10. I got in too deep and found it hard to find my way back out. But you, Ziva, pulled me out. That day, when I threw the letter in the fire, it was the thought of what I could have with you which pulled me out. Helped me climb out the hole I had dug."

"Wendy?"

"Once. But I guess I grew up after she left me, and seeing her again just proved that I had moved on. I had matured and loved someone else."

"Tony, we need to talk?"

"About?"

"Everything…"

"What do you mean?"

"Tony we need to talk about everything that has happened between us, since we met, when you left me in Israel. " Tony tensed.

"So like Adam?"

"What about him?"

"You've spent two years in Israel with him. He likes you. You slept with him. I thought something would have happened. After all it is only natural- "

"Tony."

"I mean you're beautiful and everything . He knows that. I would have thought..."

"Tony!" I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I had to say. "It could not have happened for two reasons... The first: I only have eyes for you. I said that before." Tony relaxed a bit but still look haunted, likely from the guilty expression on my face.

"And the second?"

"Tony. Adam is dead."

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**_AN: Please Review. Do you guys like longer chapters or is this length alright? What do you think of me killing Adam? What do you think happened? Why does Ziva look guilty? ___****I hope you liked this chapter. And finally another huge thanks to Athenalarissa for being a great help, especially with giving me some ideas on this chapter,I would not have had on my own.**


	6. Adam

_***Last time in Moving Forward: ***_

_"So like Adam?"_

_"What about him?"_

_"You've spent two years in Israel with him. He likes you. You slept with him. I thought something would have happened. After all it is only natural-"_

_"Tony."_

_"I mean you're beautiful and everything. He knows that. I would have thought..."_

_"Tony!" I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I had to say. "It could not have happened for two reasons... The first: I only have eyes for you. I said that before." Tony relaxed a bit but still looked haunted, likely from the guilty expression on my face._

_"And the second?"_

_"Tony. Adam is dead."_

_***And now the next chapter***_

* * *

"Dead? How?"

I couldn't answer him. How could I? I couldn't face what he'd think of me. How his opinion of me would change. _My Ninja. Be careful, handle with care, contents priceless. It's not just me that I'm worrying about hurting, Ziva._ _Sweetcheeks. My lovely crazy Israeli. _I couldn't lose that. That Tony had matured, almost beyond recognition: he wasn't hiding behind jokes, or drink, he was being honest about his thoughts, his emotions everything; I couldn't lose this new Tony either, this time probably for good – we couldn't keep finding each other. Reality doesn't happen like that. You only have so many chances before they ran out, and something told me this was our last one. But I knew I owed him the courtesy of the truth: technically I had brought it up and since he was being honest, I had to be. Did I not?

"Well, it is a long story"

"Start wherever you want Zi, I'd listen till the end of the world as long as it is you talking to me."

"Well… It started a couple of days after you left… No, Tony, do not say it, you had to leave. I needed you to leave. Or I thought I did… As I was saying, it started a couple of days after you left…"

I saw Tony settle, I suppose like me he knew the story would be long, so I decided to lie back also, into his arms…

* * *

_I was packing my bags, I had to move. I had to change my location. I was too exposed in that house. There were too many memories; good and bad. They were overwhelming, and if I were to move on it was not the place to be, I did not need memories; I needed to make a fresh start. Forget the good and bad. Suddenly, there was a knock on my door, innocuous enough but I recognised it at once. It was his knock, the one only he used during childhood, so I knew it was him. He used it when we younger so that I would not open the door to strangers. My only guess is that is why he was using it now, he hasn't used in a long time. In a way I suppose he had protected me for as long as I could remember and in an ironic twist, died protecting me too._

_So I opened the door. He stepped inside. Slammed the door shut and dragged me into the storm cellar only he and I knew about from childhood; I do not think even Eli knew about it, or if he did he never looked for me there, probably assuming I did not know about it, like I assumed he did not. I was similar to Eli in that regard. I knew and know things I should not and others do not, as did he; we were good at keeping secrets and I presume I knew Gibbs' rule to an extent before having been taught it. He sat me down in the cellar and looked at me in the eyes and said:_

_ "Ziva, you have to go. You have to hide. He is after you. He has FOUND you. He will be here in a matter of minutes not hours. You are lucky I got here first. You must go. Now. But first I have to tell you one thing. I may not see you again and if that is the case I must tell you how I feel. I Love you, Ziva and I know you love me too, but not in the same way. You love me as a friend. I saw the way Tony looked at you. How you looked at him. I know you sent him a way but he will be back. Do not let him get away, like I let you. I love you and will always follow you. Protect you. I hope we remain friends but it may be dangerous to contact me. But please try. I will try also."_

_He got up. Helped me up, and left. Leaving me to think about what he said although I could not. I had to go. So I fled…_

* * *

_A few weeks later I found myself in Paris. In that hotel, from that mission. The memories were unavoidable. That was the night our relationship began to heal, but stronger than before, like a muscle that gets damaged only to strengthen to protect itself from damage in the same way as before. I stayed there a few days before moving on and the day of my departure I found a bag of fortune cookies in my room, strangely, all but one were lacking the fortune so I knew the fortune meant something:_

**_"Our Paths may be close but they never quite meet…"_**

_It was from him. Yet I thought it was about you. And him. And I. All our paths are close but never cross. I later heard you had been in Paris at the same time, picking up another witness. I am glad I did not see you. If I had, I do not think I could have left. Not again. But I would have had to, and it would have killed me._

* * *

_Months past. My birthday. Yours. The rest of the teams'. Christmas. Before I knew it a year had past and all I could think about was you. On your birthday I went to DC, I had to see you, but didn't let you see me. I think Gibbs saw me. Or his gut knew I was there. But I know he did not say anything. Either way on my flight to Australia – I went there next – I was given a note:_

**_"Next time you can stay at mine. I won't tell. I know you can't face us. The room in the back will be made up: Sheets and all. I never go in there. It was Kelly's room. Too many memories. You are my daughter also. It is now your room too: if you want it."_**

_I returned after that for each birthday. On his I left a card, which was gone the next time I came - my birthday - in its place was a card for me, with a photo of the team. I do not know where he got it or how he knew when I came he just did but he respected that I did not want to talk. That was nice._

* * *

_During Easter, I was in Mexico, and it was then I got the next note in an Easter egg (It was almost like Adam had kidnapped Abby and coerced her into giving him ideas – it was a good thought and a nice reminder of home.). _

_"**My number is in this egg, look hard enough and you shall find. It is secure as is the new phone you will find under your seat in the plane"**_

_Luckily, I had not eaten the egg. I found the number, and that night Adam and I talked. I said I missed you and the team. He told me the mission to get Parsa was about to be over. Parsa was close to being captured. I was relieved. What I didn't know, what Adam didn't tell me was I was bait._

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_I returned to Israel after Mexico, certain that the threat of Parsa was no longer a problem. But ultimately I had done what I wanted: I had steered clear of the violence that had dominated my life for as long as I could remember; and I travelled the world without the burden of a mission hanging over me. Israel was as close to home I could get; DC was now my home. Wherever you are, is my home; I know that now, I think part of me knew it then. I bought an apartment a few blocks away from Nettie's and stayed there and considered myself safe, or the safest I could be in Israel, until Adam called. That call was to be his last._

_"Ziva, I'm in the café opposite. Run. Parsa is coming, is **here**. Go run."_

_"I cannot. I have nowhere to go."_

_"Just run Ziva" There was a gunshot. Then, an onslaught of sounds: the sounds of a fight. _

_"Help me Ziva! Please!" He sounded desperate. Yet, I did not even think._

_"I cannot… I am sorry" I could not, would not lose all the progress I had made and run into a fight. Suddenly I heard a muted shot in the background; I took off at a run._

_"Ziva" Adam breathed. He was clearly short of breath. I knew he must be dying. "Tony is good for you. He loves you and I know you love him... Don't waste good"_

_Suddenly the line went dead. I escaped through a door I had found concealed when buying the apartment – a secret escape. I ran away from the apartment block. Away from the only phone I had. Glancing back I saw a figure on the ground – Adam - and all I could think was that this was my fault… If I had gone to help him; if I had not returned to Israel; if I had been anyone else: Adam would not be dead._

_"Don't waste Good". What did he mean? Was he quoting Gibbs? What good am I wasting? Suddenly I heard a shout. "She's over there!" I stopped thinking. I ran. I ran to escape. Ran to the one place I knew was safe. Where I knew he couldn't find me. But this wasn't the only place like it. I ran to my Aunt Nettie's._

In my dreams I ran into Tony's arms... but I wouldn't tell him that.

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Tony's strong arms sliding around me, pulling me closer brought me back to reality – away from the memories that were consuming me. Away from the guilt I felt for not going back to help. The guilt for not running head first into danger and fighting for what I believed in like I had always done. The guilt for not helping Adam.

"I…I…It's my fault he is dead, Tony. How could you ever love me knowing that? I may not have pulled the Trigger, but I killed him. He died protecting me"

"Zi, this is not your fault. You should not carry the burden of Adam's death alone, if at all. He died doing what he believed in and he was right: I do love you and you know that right. Nothing could stop me from loving you."

"Tony, you should go. You are too kind. You do not deserve someone like me. I am damaged goods. I am not a good person." I made a move to get up, he pulled me back down. I struggled but eventually resigned myself to my fate.

"Ziva" He breathed "It is not your actions that define you as a good person, it is your heart. The fact that you feel you should have gone back; even knowing you would have died proves that. You are only human. You have a fight or flight instinct and for once your flight instinct won out and I know it's selfish but I am glad: I need you Ziva. It's not a choice for me anymore. It stopped being a choice a long time ago."

I relaxed but a question hovered on my tongue, waiting to be answered. I couldn't not ask it. It was too important and the time felt right.

"Tony - if you need me so much - why did you leave me in Israel?"

"I didn't want to. I almost picked you up and dragged you on the plane with me. But I knew you had to do it alone, in Israel, and if I didn't respect that you'd never forgive me. I needed to know there was a chance you'd come back, instead of you there and unable to forgive me completely for not respecting your wishes. That was a possibility I could not have dealt with. If I had let you down, didn't respect your trust, the consequences would have been unbearable." He paused as if contemplating how to say or whether to say what he wanted to, so I waited; He chose to tell me, his voice barely above a whisper, scared of how I would react. "I couldn't treat you like all the other men in your past." I thought about how to respond to that. It was possibly the kindest thing anyone had ever said to me and ever would say. I felt Tony squeeze my hand, giving me the strength to speak.

"Thank you," I could hear myself choking up; the tears threatening to appear, threatening to fall. But I knew I had to resist, for else Tony would not listen to what else I had to say, he would instead feel guilty for having made me cry. "You knew I needed to be alone even if it was what neither of us wanted. But I'm glad you asked me to come now. The whole time I was travelling and running, I felt like I was missing something. Missing a part of myself. Now I know the thing that was missing was: you. I am whole again."

"As am I Ziva. As am I" He sounded content. Relaxed. Almost as if it was the first time he had felt that way in a while. It hurt to think I had caused that pain.

I relaxed into his arms and laid my head on his chest. Eventually, his breathing softened, showing that he was asleep. Glancing at the clock, which told me we had talked the night away, I gave into the power of the sleep that wanted to take me in. It was the best sleep I had ever had.

* * *

I awoke to the smell of bacon drifting into the room, yet Ziva's absence from my arms made me wonder if last night was a dream. We stayed up all night talking. Yet all we really talked about was insignificant in comparison to what we needed to talk about. We still needed to talk about many things and I was determined to talk about them before I had to return to DC. Also, Ziva was hiding something. Something big. She was scared whatever it was would change what I thought about her. Part of her burden had been lifted last night but there was still something there. And I needed to find it out. Suddenly,I heard footsteps coming down the hall, but they did not stop outside her room. So I shut my eyes, hoping that Ziva would not notice the act.

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I awoke after another 2 or 3 hours of sleep, and gently maneuvered my way out of Tony's arms so I could get showered and dressed before he got up. He stirred a little but went back to sleep. I showered and dressed and began cooking bacon, aware that Tony would soon awaken from his slumber and wonder where I was. Knowing that could be anytime soon, I made my way back to his room to wake him up.

Standing at the threshold of his door I admired how peaceful he looked when he slept. Unfortunately his eyes were closed; the only bad thing about the sight – I loved the green intensity of his eyes. He seemed relaxed and at that moment I knew I was going to tell him. I had to. We had to talk about everything that happened between us; whether he wanted to or not. I suppose part of me knew he was awake already, because when he murmured "Morning" I was not surprised, and responded with "Breakfast is ready if you want some. I came to wake you up."

Slowly, I saw him make a move to get up and I took that as my cue to leave. I went back to the kitchen to put the breakfast on plates and was doing so when two arms slid around my waist and I felt his lips briefly, and hesitantly, touching my neck before he took the plates to the table.

"You did not have to do that you know." He had clearly kissed me as a distraction to be a man. It was touching. No-one had ever done something like that for me before.

"I know, but I wanted to" He smiled. I loved his smile, almost as much as I loved him. We ate in companionable silence, each watching the other but looking away embarrassed whenever our eyes met. I don't know when I stopped eating or when he finished. All I know is that now was the time to tell him. The moment was perfect.

"We need to talk"

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_**AN: Thank you to all those who have reviewed. I really appreciate them and take them to heart. I hope you like the chapter, did you guys prefer it longer? Or would you prefer chapters even longer or the same length as before? I have a good idea where I want this to go now, but I want to know: what do you all think Ziva is hiding? From now on I'm going to try to update at least twice a week (no promises). Most chapters will be posted early in the week or at the weekend, but I will post whenever I can :) Review Please :D**_


	7. Talk part 1

**Sorry it took so long to upload this chapter. Life happened. Do I need to say any more? Also I was having a really hard time working out where I wanted to go with this but I know now. And because I feel so bad I will try my absolute hardest to get another chapter up by Thursday and hopefully another over the weekend. They are both half written by hand so need to be transferred over but I have not forgotten about this story. **

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"_I know, I wanted to" He smiled. I loved his smile, almost as much as I loved him. We ate in companionable silence, each watching the other but looking away embarrassed whenever our eyes met. I don't know when I stopped eating or when he finished. All I know is that now was the time to tell him. The moment was perfect._

"_We need to talk"_

"We need to talk"

Their voices in perfect harmony, spoke with confidence yet uncertainty at how the other would react. Their voices providing an impromptu melody, tied together in a chord that need never end for its beauty was like a symphony.

Tony's eyes shot up to meet Ziva's, and each debated who should speak first. Neither could find the right words to explain their opinion despite the knowledge of the agreement they shared. As usual, due to his inability to remain silent except at times it is most appropriate, it was Tony who spoke first.

"I guess we agree: we need to talk and since it is I who got us here, I think it is time for you to tell me something. Why didn't you call?"

"I couldn't. I knew that if I spoke to you. If I heard your voice I wouldn't have been able to hold it together." Ziva paused, thinking but Tony knew she was not finished so gave her time to decide how to phrase what she wanted, needed, to say. "I did not know what to say. I knew I needed to phone you to let you know I was alright but I was scared. Scared that if I phoned you could be angry…"

"…I could never be angry with you Ziva. My heart would not allow it. Have you not learnt that yet? I always come back to you. Always will. You are my heart: Without you I cannot live, I can only survive, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Even after fights that most people wouldn't be able to make up after, I came back to you as not only a friend, but a best friend. Or more. When it comes to you angry is not in my vocabulary. Mad, maybe, but never angry"

"I know that Tony. To be honest I think deep down I always knew that. I think that maybe it wasn't fear about you being angry that held me back. Not really. It was the fear that you had moved on, that I would ruin your life again, as usual and take you away from someone who was not damaged, was not a murderer. Was not me"

Tony sucked in a breath. And in the next breath he whispered "Ziva. Ziva you will never be damaged. Never be a murderer. Everything you have done was for the greater good and under orders from those who run whichever country you served. I could never fault you for that. Anyone who faulted you for that would be mad."

Ziva sighed resigning herself to what she thought she must do. "Can I show you something? If after I show it to you, you can still say that I am not damaged can I ever believe you."

Tony shook his head in the affirmative and Ziva stood up to give herself some space. Slowly she began to lift her shirt…

"Ziva you know I saw I ever needed to see of you in Israel. And if you do what I think you're going to do I may not be able to control myself"

"You will Tony. But you did not see all of me. All you needed to see. Sometimes things remain hidden except to those who know what is there." Ziva continued to remove her shirt and then began to rub her stomach over and over till Tony was sure she would rub herself raw. Suddenly a mark began to show and as Ziva rubbed it gradually became clearer and clearer until there was no doubt as to what was there. There on Ziva's stomach were three groups of scars, each a set of Initials. ED, SU and what appeared to be Mk. Pointing at each in turn Ziva began with to explain what appeared to be self-explanatory and horrified Tony at the same time.

"ED: Eli David. This scar was given to me by one of is 'loyal' followers, who once looked after me, as a mockery of who I was and who I was destined to become. Later, once I became older it symbolised my tormentor forced me to do everything I did not want to do. But what I did not know was that much worse could happen and orders that I despised was not the worst that could have happened. SU. Saleem Ulman. You know the story to that. I told you before, in Israel. I do not want to have to tell you again. It will haunt me forever. And finally: MDZ. Mossad. Kidon. Ziva. The people and unit I worked for. This scar was for Identification should they ever need it. It is cut deeper than could ever heal. Etched into my bones. And also represents the third set of tormentors who had to have me obey them in all ways imaginable as it was the only way for them to learn my weaknesses." Ziva paused, but Tony knew better than to speak. At least for the moment. It wasn't long before Ziva spoke again and though she tried to hide it, Tony could see that she was fighting tears. "Yet you say I am not damaged. I could not be more damaged and I know I am not worthy of your love, let alone your trust. Now I have shown you all I have to show I know you cannot love me still. I am not beautiful. I am not whole. I am a monster who has been damaged so many times I can never be whole again." With that she ran into her room and slammed the door shut behind her.

Without hesitation Tony got up and followed. Glad he had not got a place with a lock on the doors for the second time he opened the door to see Ziva, his fearless ninja in tears on her bed throwing her clothes into her suitcase. Stunned, he opened his mouth to speak; but Ziva beat him to it.

"You do not have to say anything Tony. You do not have to say something you do not mean to protect my feelings. Once I have finished packing I will go and you can forget the damaged girl you thought you loved." Wordlessly Tony say on the bed next to Ziva he then began to unpack Ziva's suitcase as she packed it allowing his actions to speak louder and be heard cleared than anything he could ever have said to her. Eventually Ziva looked up at Tony inquisitively, questions burning in her mind but only love stared back at her through the green eyes she loved so much.

Eventually, Tony got up and pulled Ziva up into him and whispered, "You are not damaged. Nobody is damaged by things that aren't their fault. Remember that. It hurts me to hear you try to convince me that you are not good enough for me. All that did was make me love you even more. You showed me that the strength I thought you had it nothing to which you actually possess and if either of us doesn't deserve the other it is me you. I will spend my whole life trying to be worthy of you but watching you pack was the hardest thing I could ever watch. And I never want to see it again, unless I am packing at the same time and we are going together. Wherever you go, I go. As long as you want me. And even then letting go will be the hardest thing I could ever be asked to do." Slowly Tony leant down and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Now, my strong ninja, What do you want for Lunch. Your wish is my command." And for what felt like the first time in an eternity Ziva laughed and all Tony could do was grin at the beauty of the sound.

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**What did you think? Reviews please. And also since I don't understand the rating system if at any time you think I need to change the rating tell me with the suggestion for what you think it should be. I probably will change it if you tell me but eventually I may have to change it anyway.**


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